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Feeling Funky

admin — Thu, 03 May 2012 23:46:22 +0000

I’m in a funk. I’ve stopped myself from many times from going full on Debbie Downer here, and so far so good, but I can’t keep it in any longer. I can’t recall ever feeling like this, I feel like I’m not connecting, not fitting in, not understanding anything that’s coming my way. I feel like I’m trying to walk in very thick sand. I’ve lost the twinkle of hope, that passion for making things happen. That spark to stretch myself and try something new. All I want to do is retreat. And this has been going on for months. I’m hesitant to even put this out there because, really, does the world need more words about sadness? Loss of hope? And then I realized that I know it will come back and this too shall pass, but I feel an itch to share, regardless of how vulnerable it makes me feel. And you want to know the weirdest part about this funk? It has nothing to do with weight loss. I’m losing, and lately due to loss of appetite, rather rapidly (13 pounds in one week.) Normally I would jump for joy to see these numbers on the scale, but lately, I’m indifferent. I have a few ideas as to where these feelings are coming from. For starters, I’ve become scared to try something new. In the past four years I’ve tried a little bit of everything…design, catering, jewelry, clothing design, blogging, e-book writing, and a few more other things that I’ve forgotten along the way. Each time I start out with this hope of what I could become. I fall in love with the potential of a new business, a new idea, a smaller version of myself. I have great desire to “do big things”, but sadly, I’ve come to realize that I was more in love with the result rather than the process. And because I believe everything in life is connected and related, I know that deep down, what I do and how I make a living has a lot to do with how I feel and care about myself. And somewhere along the line I never figured out or changed my perspective enough on any given thing/business/idea/project to fall in love with the process (a line I’m stealing from The Biggest Loser.) And I want to get there. To be in the love with the process of taking care of myself rather than the result of being thin, or doing things because I love the action and not because its a defined direction or path. I find myself worrying so much about things I do and don’t have control over. My mom emailed a quote to me recently, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.” – Harvey S. Firestone The last line is the one that hit me the most “accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself”. I’ve come to realize that I haven’t defined who I am or who I want to be. I’ve been waiting on other people to tell me who I am, or who they want me to be or who I can be. That path can be very unsteady. I’ve realized, that I’ve been relying on my past experiences to define who I am. These experiences from junior or high school where I never felt good enough…my clothes, hair, makeup, body, personality…always fell too short. In the days when opinion flowed out of mouths so freely, where everything on the outside was the measure of a worthwhile person, those days still linger too many years later. I want to give myself permission to define who I am, who I want to be, and unapologetically become that person. I want to move forward even when fear starts screaming in my head. Fear that my efforts are lost, that they won’t get me anywhere, or that it’s pointless to try. Recently, I’ve had strong desires to start painting and illustrating again, a skill that I picked up in college and loved. I let it go because I didn’t let myself get good enough. I feared the work that was involved in getting good, I worried that I would spend all this time and never arrive. That I could never feed myself off of it. That it wouldn’t matter. That I’d never be good enough. And the realization that I stopped doing something because I was both in love with and afraid of the result, rather than the process, knocks the wind out of me. And I understand deeply, where this trend pops up over and over again in my life. Silly little things and the big stuff too. I’ve put so much weight in these imaginary outcomes, that I’ve stopped myself from ever starting or even being in the process. What if I lose weight and I’m still ugly, or have a loose skin? What if people resent me? What if I get unwanted male attention? Why both lose weight? What if I start painting, but never sell a print? What if I never wrap my own canvas? What if I’m never taken seriously? Why bother painting? What if I never make a good living doing what I love? What if my businesses stop growing? What if I can’t keep up with the growth? What will I have to give up in order to make more income? What if I start marketing my design…what if I fall short? or make a mistake? or ruin my reputation? What if I’m never credible? What if I fall short or miss a deadline? Why bother design? And I do this with everything, cleaning, exercising, work, meeting new friends, staying in touch…on and on and on. I can play the “what if” game for so long that I wake up at 29 and realize that I stopped it all before it got good. Update: This post is good timing for the Things I’m Afraid to Tell You series of blog entries that are making their way around the blogosphere.

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Feeling Funky

Plant Bliss

admin — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 17:45:20 +0000

I’m having these moments where ‘m realizing and truly understanding that I’m in control. Not everything that happens per say, but of how I react, what my days look like. I can choose my next move. It’s all up to me, not the day, not my location, not time, not money, not the weekend, not next month or next year or when I retire… Before moving to Floyd I had this vision of what my life would be here. I would work from home, spend my days being creative, creating a nice home, belonging to a community, going to the farmer’s market and green house, planting flowers and a garden. Creating my own little world. We knew our expenses would be minimal and could choose a different life for ourselves. A life that wouldn’t require a nine-to-five schedule, a gray office or a long commute. A life where most of our time was spent living rather than working for someone else. We didn’t want our best days to start at 5pm on Friday and end at 11pm on Sunday. And for the most part that is happening, yet, not totally. I haven’t given myself total permission yet (see my previous posts) to dive into the lifestyle that I was craving. The lifestyle that made me want to leave the metro and city behind. I’ve been so worried, scared and fearful of what bliss and control would look like that I’ve only skimmed the surface. I hear the familiar voices in my head saying… what will people think? they will think I’m having way too much fun, that I’m not miserable enough, the I’m not responsible, or serious, or deserving of such a relaxed life. That I’m not contributing. That I’m lazy. That no one will get it or respect me. That I’m not legitimate or professional. That just needs to stop. Sometimes I have to say out loud, SHUT UP, WHO CARES! And then I get in the car and drive to the local garden center because I can. Because I choose to stop making excuses and worrying about who thinks it’s self-indulgent to take a break in the middle of the day to go flower and plant shopping. Who cares if I’m a plant killer or I don’t really need plants to exist. But to live, I do. One of my favorite quotes is by Mother Teresa… People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight; Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten; Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway. I read this every single day. Because I want to be more like that. Do. It. Anyway. Other stuff that is contributing to my sanity, gratitude and happiness lately? Less social media . I don’t get on twitter throughout the day anymore. I just can’t. It’s too much mind-clutter and I find myself frustrated with all those thoughts. They aren’t adding anything to my life. Less facebook, it’s the same. I go on, tell anyone who cares that I made a blog posts and I immediately log off. I worried that my online relationships would suffer, and perhaps they will, but I can’t worry about that. Less email checking. I still check as soon as I wake up, but then I go away. I eat breakfast, alone, at the table or on the couch. No mouse in hand, not scrolling screens. Being present. I never really understood this until recently. When I realized that my head space was consumed with worry, fears, thoughts, planning, on and on and on. I was spending time running words through my head, thoughts, and just plan craziness. And then I just decide in that moment to be there. It helps me to make a mental note of what I’m touching or smelling or physically feeling to help me zero in with the present. And once I’m there, all the mind clutter fades out. More time outside. This morning I planted flowers, yesterday I mowed the lawn. The day before that I dug out a walkway. I need to be outside more than I ever thought. It clears my head and my heart. I want my mornings to be spent with sweet basil and dirt. And while a good chunk of my time is spent sitting in front of my laptop working, I like to know that I have these other foundations to keep me balanced. I believe that you can have your work, whatever it may be, and these pockets of bliss too. These moments when the TV, cellphone and computers are off and we do something just because it feels good. Because it makes us who we are. ***** Yesterday I finished my day of eating with couscous and a salad for lunch, shrimp and vegetables (with homemade salsa and guacamole) for dinner and a drumstick ice cream for a treat. I was around 1,800 calories for the day and I did 35 minutes of push mowing and 45 minutes of walking/jogging for 2 miles. I burned 700 calories. This morning I had a breakfast burrito with two scrambled eggs, salsa, and guacamole for 350 calories. Yum!

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Plant Bliss

Wear it Well Spring 2012 is Out Today at 4PM!

admin — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 16:46:26 +0000

Click Banner For More Information Today is the day! After weeks of hard work, my Wear it Well Spring 2012 ecourse is ready to be unleashed into the world. At 4:30 pm (EST) it will be 100% available for purchase. What is Wear it Well? Wear it Well is an ecourse workshop that I started in the fall of 2010. At the time I was just getting my feet wet and figuring out what I wanted these ecourses to represent. My first ecourse featured only me, and plus size fashion. The spring edition has five models, including myself of all shapes and sizes. Each of us has our own distinct style. Creating a self-published magazine/book has been a dream of mine as long for as I can remember. I’ve been reading and hoarding magazines since I was 13 and have always felt that most fashion magazines lack real-life substance and tools for developing style. Not being a size 0 and unable to purchase a $500 skirt has left me wondering where I fit in in the world of Glamour and Vogue. I want Wear it Well to celebrate all women and what makes us individually beautiful. I want to showcase a range of styles, shapes, and ages. Wear it Well is about all women. What do you get? Wear it Well Spring 2012 is over 100 pages of ideas and inspiration. You will receive a digital PDF (veiwable with Adobe Acrobat) ebook that can be vewied right on your computer, or any device that can view PDF files. I designed the book to be the size of a computer monitor for easy veiwing. Each underscored word is a link that will take you directly to a website, making the PDF interactive. What can you expect? The Wear it Well Spring 2012 ecourse is all about original inspiration. My deepest hope is that you will learn how to adapt your own wardrobe in a way that fits your personal style an taste. Developing your style means that you can get dressed or pick out a new outfit at a store in less time. It means feeling polished, comfortable and confident with the way you choose to express yourself. The ecourse has four assignments such as organizing your closet to a custom home spa day. There are quick and easy tutorials for updating your current wardrobe and making your own accessories. You will find makeup tutorials and inspiring fashion spreads. The ecourse will also feature the best and most useful pages of the Wear it Well Fall 2010 ecourse! I’m also giving away five pairs of my Dear Kate earrings from my Oliver Jewelry collection to the first five people who purchase the Wear it Well Spring 2012 ecourse today at 4pm!

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Wear it Well Spring 2012 is Out Today at 4PM!

Resound11 Prompt 12: 12 in 12

admin — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:12:06 +0000

Take today to talk about 12 things you would like to accomplish in 2012. These 12 things can be 12 resolutions, 12 changes in your life, 12 wines you’d like to drink, 12 cities you’d like to visit, or 12 monthly goals. The decision is yours. Good luck and have fun! How will you resound? 1) I want to stop living in the future. This doesn’t mean I won’t plan or set goals, it means that I will stop thinking about everything as a future activity with no date in sight for completion. Often times, I get paralyzed by things that aren’t happening and tasks that are set for unnamed dates in the future. I want to push myself to be in the moment of my actions. To immerse myself into activities 100%. When I’m exercising, I want to be there. I want to give everything. I don’t want to be in my head planning out tomorrow or who I need to email or designs I need to finish. I want to give every bit of myself to that moment. I want to stop thinking about 170lbs in the future. Or the days when I will be different. Or projects that I plan to get to eventually. When I’m working on a project, I want to be there with it, pushing my work, and acting as if that work is the most important one I will do. 2) I want to learn to make croissants. And then I want to put chocolate in them. 3) I want to leave obesity in my 20′s. 4) I want to read fewer tweets and status updates and more books. I want to judge people less by what they say on social media sites. 5) I want to start saving for Paris. (followed by #7, of course) And learn to speak French. 6) I want to pay off my debts and buy a new car. 7) I want to waste less. Less garbage and plastic bags. 8. I want a better garden. 9) I want to appreciate and celebrate my life and those around me. 10) I want to write, a lot. 11) I want to narrow down my projects and businesses. In 2012 all my projects will be under one roof. I will have one etsy store, one way to find my work, and one business name for my design. 12) I want to be okay with saying no and I want to do it more often. I want to stand up for myself and my time.

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Resound11 Prompt 12: 12 in 12

Dole Health Summit Recap: Part One

admin — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 07:10:45 +0000

Sitting down to write this post is daunting. Mainly because there is so much to cover and much to still think about. So my solution is to break it up into little pieces and go from there. A couple of months ago I got an email from a PR firm representing Dole asking me to join other bloggers in California for a summit. They covered the airfare, hotel costs at the Four Seasons in Westlake Village , transportation and the food during my stay. It was hard to say no. To start, I’m still not 100% sure why I was invited. I’m not a full-time blogger, nor am I a “popular blogger”, not sure what that means, but I’m no KERF, right? To be frank, I struggle with blogging. There were ladies at the summit who were blogging the entire time. Tweeting, facebooking, networking, linking, and did I mention blogging? They were on top of their blogging game. I just kept looking around thinking “I’m at Dole! I’m in California! oooh this food is good! wow, I’m learning so much! palm trees!” Not to mention the elephant in the room. Pun intended, I can’t help myself. The thing is, if you look at the roster of bloggers, and the group photo. You’ll notice the obvious… I was the only fat person there. I couldn’t help but sing “one of these things is not like the other” . For the most part, I was okay with this. But, I’d be lying if I said I was super confident about it either. Before I even stepped foot on the first plane to California I did a lot of self talk. Some of it was purely indulgent to make myself feel better. Here’s what it sounded like in my head: They want you to go for exactly who you are now, you are providing a different perspective, you’re representing other Americans who struggle with binge eating, you are on a journey, you can do this! At one point I almost asked for a refund and high tailed it home when I found out our first flight was cancelled. I was uncomfortable. A lot was out of my control and I was vulnerable. If Josh hadn’t been there to convince me to keep going, I probably would have chickened out. When we arrived in California 16 hours later, I didn’t care that I was sleep deprived and looking like a hot mess, I was in California. Once I stepped foot into the king suite at the Four Seasons, nothing else mattered. Awkward encounters and ugly duckling feelings be damned, there was a TV in the bathroom and a soaking tub, not to mention l’occitane soaps and shampoo. I was in heaven. Because I arrived a few hours later than expected, I missed the cocktail hour and the Thanksgiving food challenge. But, I was just in time for the first Dole meal and it was incredible. We started with a creamy asparagus soup before we were lead to the buffet filled with fig salad, fish, turkey, cauliflower gratin, and the star of the show: roasted yams with bananas. Everything was savory and flavorful, yet healthy and light. They even gave us recipes for the dishes served to recreate a home. Enjoying a cup of banana soft serve- my favorite! I ended up sitting with those working for and with Dole. Their PR team and marketers. I’m not sure how this happened, but it strangely put me at ease. I felt 12 again, hanging out with the parents on a 6th grade field trip. I chatted with Marty Ordman, Vice President of Marketing and Communications, Donna Skidmore, Director, Consumer Services and Michael, who works for Dole, but I cannot remember his last name or title. Amanda Notarangelo who does PR for Dole with Gibraltar Associates in DC was also at our table . We were ooh and aahing over the food when I had to go and ruin it with a question about local food and farming, GMOs (which I was told they don’t use) and pesticides sprayed on fruits and vegetables. I kicked myself immediately for asking during dinner, but it just came out. I thought for sure I was going to have to sleep outside of the Four Seasons that night. But, they took it in stride, apparently these were frequent, yet valid questions. They explained that they support and encourage local farming, they support people eating more fruits and vegetables regardless of where it comes from. And that they are always working on new ways to work with local farmers with their projects such as the salad bars they sponsor in public schools. But I learned something else. Not everyone is as lucky as I am. I live in a town where local food is prevalent, abundant and affordable. This is not normal for small-town America. For example, on my way home this evening I stopped at a locally owned grocer and bought a big bag of local and organic mixed salad greens for $3, organic/fair trade bananas for about $4, and a few other produce items that were either local or organic, if not both. I even got a zucchini for free because it was a little soft. My total was $37 and the food will last till the end of the week. Not to mention that I was about 2 miles from my house. But there are people in our country, children, who have never had fresh fruit or vegetables. There are a lot of mouths to feed in the world and I’m not sure that small farmers could keep up with the demand. I don’t have a major point or opinion other than, it’s easy to throw our hands up and talk about how screwed up the system is. It is. But, it’s complex. Dole is trying to make bananas affordable and look as cool as soda or twinkies. I can get behind that. I’m trying to get to a point where I’m not becoming narrow from my assumed opinions of the food industry. I think sometimes we want an easy answer, and there isn’t always one. There are better answers and solutions, but I appreciate that they are taking public opinion seriously. I appreciate that they took the time to answer the harder questions, because I wasn’t the only one asking. I took some time to research Dole before I went on this trip and found the documentary “Bananas!” enlightening and heartbreaking. I also found out that Dole launched www.doleorganics.com in 2007 in response to demand from consumers who increasingly want specific information relative to the farms where the Dole organic bananas are grown or purchased from growers (referenced from www.non-gmoreport.com ) You can also read about Dole, Monsanto and GMOs here . Next up: Part Two, Dole food testing, the other bloggers and much more! Here are a few recaps from some of the bloggers who attended. Meals and Miles: Dole’s Test Kitchen , A Cooking Challenge Run Eat Repeat : Double Dole Day , Dole Healthy Lifestyle Blogger Summit Cranky Fitness: An Unusually Frank Blog Update Iowa Girl Eats : Healthified Meat and Potatoes Meal CarrotsNCake: Dinner At Onyx , Sunrise Run + New Dole Products , Dole’s Healthy Lifestyle Blogger Summit , It’s Over Already

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Dole Health Summit Recap: Part One

Just Breathe

admin — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 19:18:54 +0000

This week, I took a break. Normally, not being productive makes me antsy and depressed. This week, I allowed myself to take a step back and evaluate my direction. Like a lot of my friends I feel like I’m on the edge of something very positive and big in my life. But there is a part of my that is holding back, scared to take the leap. Scared to embrace where I’m going. Part of that feeling is people. I worry a lot (too much) about how people see me and what my actions look like. I worry about sharing my goals and embracing what I really want. Will they think I’m reaching too high and being unrealistic? Will they think I don’t deserve it or didn’t properly earn my success? Will they misinterpret my actions? And then I stop. Take a breath. And realize that this is mostly just me. It doesn’t matter so much if someone else doesn’t think I’m worthy of the effort, because I am. I’m in an intention circle right now learning how to manifest my dreams. I have big dreams. Dreams that I don’t share with a lot of people and certainly not on this blog. But, I’m embracing them and trying to be more vocal. Some of my dreams startle me because I didn’t know I had them. Because they seem bigger than me. Do you ever feel that way? Some of my dreams: – I want to be a skilled graphic designer. I want people to hire me because they see my creativity and want it to reflect their business. I want to do it on my own terms. I want to create one of a kind work that makes people stop and admire. I want to push the envelope and myself. I want to get better. I want an etsy shop with ready-made design. I want to bring people into this creative business and train them. – I want to pay off all my credit card and student loan debt by the time I’m 30. – I want to use this blog to share my dreams, goals and inspiration. I want to inspire myself and those who stop by. – I want to write a book about all of this. – I want to start painting again. I want to illustrate and draw like I used to. – I want to share my art in unconventional ways. – I want to create art without the intention to sell it. – I want to share my town with the world in a creative and thoughtful way. – I want to empower and support the creative women in my life. – I want to weigh less than 160 pounds before I get pregnant. – I want to get pregnant before I’m 31-32. I’m 28 (29 in march) – I want to create a successful lifestyle brand that is linked with my co-owned clothing company. I want to push the boundaries. I want to empower young, rural women in this process. I want to collabroate with creative minds. I want to provide well paying jobs to creative women in our area. I want to thrive within this business, creativity and monetarily. – I want to go to Paris and walk for hours with my husband. I want to eat the best pastries and bread. – I want to run a 5k in under 40 minutes. – I want to be considered a beautiful woman inside and out. – I want to live in a beautiful and creative space (that is organized and comfortable) – I want to celebrate my life and learn to jot memories down. I want to have photos printed. – I want to walk into any store and wear whatever I want. – I want to be attractive and intelligent. – I want to be a really good wife and a really good mom. – I want to cherish my friends and family. I don’t want them to question how I feel. – I want to stop worrying about the things that haven’t happened. I want to stop worrying about what I assume to be true. – I want to take care of myself because I’m driven to do so. Because I cherish my life and my body. Not because it’s a plan. Not out of guilt. Not because I need to lose weight. – I want to go back to school and finish my degree. But I don’t want to go into debt to make this happen. Or maybe I’ll just read a ton more and get really good and prove everyone wrong. I’m allowing myself this week to breathe and take it all in. I have a lot of change in my life and I’m getting ready for it. I’m getting it now.

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Just Breathe

How to Make Healthier Candy Choices

admin — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 14:13:28 +0000

As we start the month of October, this begins Halloween season for many. Candy is everywhere on the grocery shelves, and some stock up on candy for the trick-or-treaters. By now we know we need to limit our intake of added sugars, so how do we make better candy choices this time of year? Continue reading…

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How to Make Healthier Candy Choices

4 Tips to Stay Healthy During Summer Travel

admin — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 14:00:41 +0000

As half the world heats up during this time of the year, many of us reach for the fresh fruits and veggies while others are planning exciting trips this time of year. Whatever your plans, it is easy to get off track with your health and wellness goals. You can make staying in shape this summer easy with these four simple tips. Continue reading…

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4 Tips to Stay Healthy During Summer Travel

Healthy Ways to Take Advantage of a Leisurely Weekend Morning

admin — Sat, 14 May 2011 05:12:21 +0000

Ah, the weekend. If you’re used to a hectic work week, Saturday and Sunday mornings are the best time to spend some time doing the things you weren’t able to get to during the rest of the week. While weekends are good for long workouts, they also can be great for doing things that don’t even require you to lace up your running shoes. Here are some healthy things to you can do when you are getting your day going. Stretch in bed . These can help energize you when you just want the alarm clock to stop buzzing during the week, but taking a few more minutes to do a series of them will make you feel amazing. From a spinal twist to a cobra, do a few stress-releasing stretches before you shuffle out of bed. Make like a barista . Weekday coffee may be just whatever you can grab on your way to work, but take some time on the weekend to figure out your favorite way to be caffeinated. A little bit of coffee has been proven to have many benefits – from reducing your risk of certain diseases to improving your memory – so if you’re a coffee drinker now’s the time to brew the perfect cup, experiment with a French press, and otherwise be able to fully appreciate the beverage. Contemplate . The benefits of weekend mornings is that you can take time to do something you may not have time to do on during the week – nothing. Whether it’s through meditation or just curling up with a book , you’ll be relieving stress and releasing the work week’s anxieties. Have a healthy shower . There are so many things you can do in the shower besides lather up and shave. Take some time on the weekend to do things you may feel like you don’t have time for during the week, like using a homemade body scrub or relieving congestion with an in-shower neti pot.

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Healthy Ways to Take Advantage of a Leisurely Weekend Morning

Poll: Is Jennifer Hudson Too Thin?

admin — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 02:22:27 +0000

Weight Watchers has sure picked a winner this time with Jennifer Hudson, who has lost 80 pounds as their spokesperson. However, after her appearance at the Academy Awards, people are saying that perhaps she is now too thin. 1 Comments | Continue reading…

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Poll: Is Jennifer Hudson Too Thin?